Of course before January was out, I had to start dealing with the issue of handing in my (non-)recontracting papers. That day was today.
As much as I've been complaining recently, it was still hard to actually hand in that paper. I've spent 2 and a half years working and living here. I've had some of the best times of my life here in Japan. I make good money working with a lot of kids and teachers I truly care about. Like it or not, I'm INVESTED in this place. The thought of leaving my apartment for the last time, saying goodbye to the students at my schools...just the thought of these things can bring tears to my eyes. Actually doing them is going to be a lot harder, I think.
Still, everyone understands that 3 years is a long time, and that I have things to do back home. What those things may be are anybody's guess at this point, but clearly, things will happen. Life will get re-started. No one begged me to change my mind.
I then somehow ended up getting into talking for another hour and a half about what will happen next year. Due to the Ministry of Education initiating a mandatory elementary school English curriculum for grades 5 and 6, Ichikawa may in fact get 2 ALTs again. It's still up in the air. Also up in the air is the schedule for next semester, which is fast approaching. Because of the elementary school changes, the elementary teachers want us to come one or two days a week to teach those lessons. It's not clear if they will only want 5th and 6th graders to do English now, or if they want us to stick to the textbook. While it was just mentioned in passing, this may also affect the Jr. High rotations, putting one ALT at the two busy schools and leaving the other ALT to rot at the Jr. High where we do nothing. Poor Katie had to sit through a lot of back and forth between me and the BOE folk in Japanese as I tried to explain why this was unfair and I would not stand for it.
These are my last six months in this job, and maybe ever in Japan. I will not spend it in misery at my desk in the teachers' room, rarely having class with kids who can't remember my name because they never see me. I don't want anyone else in the future to be stuck in that position either. This is a fight I feel I NEED to fight. I care about this, and I care about the mark I'm leaving for the people to follow me.
Wondering if I will have a successor or not is weighing on my mind too. Will I need to have my house cleaned and ready for the next person, or just cleaned out completely? I promised to help the new folks get oriented to our homes and towns when they arrive, as my contract ends in August and they'll probably be arriving in late July...will it be harder to see someone move into my home, to have them taking over what for the last three years have been "my things"? Or will it be harder to see everything go, parceled off to others or thrown away. Helping others do this for the last couple years has been difficult at times, and it wasn't even my home.
So, I'm left right now puzzling over what the future has in store, both in the next six months and the indefinite number of months to follow that. While my head hurts to think of it now, I know the answer is the same as it always is:
"Wait and see."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
まだ一月？？
December was here and gone before I could even blink, and yet January is lingering on and on like my bad cold.
Maybe it's because it IS so cold. There's more snow down here in my part of the prefecture than I've ever seen in the last 2 years. It's a challenge to get out of bed, let alone out the door by 7:15am. Biking in the freezing mornings to the station feels like it takes much longer than it actually does.
Maybe it's been the week or so of sickness. But lying in bed in my business hotel in Kobe, feverish and bored, while the rest of Hyogo partied the mid-year conference nights away, was already 2 weeks past. And New Year's on the beach in Thailand feels like it was months and months ago. Yet we're not even up to my sister's 24th birthday (tomorrow).
I'm working really hard at being optimistic. I know once we start to thaw out, I'll feel my spirits spiking back up to their regular highs. But we gotta get the ball rolling on this new year already, January NEEDS to finish. I really don't think I can take too much more of it.
Maybe it's because it IS so cold. There's more snow down here in my part of the prefecture than I've ever seen in the last 2 years. It's a challenge to get out of bed, let alone out the door by 7:15am. Biking in the freezing mornings to the station feels like it takes much longer than it actually does.
Maybe it's been the week or so of sickness. But lying in bed in my business hotel in Kobe, feverish and bored, while the rest of Hyogo partied the mid-year conference nights away, was already 2 weeks past. And New Year's on the beach in Thailand feels like it was months and months ago. Yet we're not even up to my sister's 24th birthday (tomorrow).
I'm working really hard at being optimistic. I know once we start to thaw out, I'll feel my spirits spiking back up to their regular highs. But we gotta get the ball rolling on this new year already, January NEEDS to finish. I really don't think I can take too much more of it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Down and Back Up Again
It's no secret I've been seriously homesick of late (and if you didn't know, you clearly haven't been paying attention).
When I decided not to go home for the winter break, I thought I would be fine. Thailand seemed like it would be a fun escape from winter blues, laying out on sunny beaches with a bikini and a good book. I really underestimated my need at a depressing time to make contact with family, to feel home turf beneath my feet. Rainy days at the beach certainly didn't help. As much as I wanted to have fun in Thailand, and as much as I did enjoy most of the trip, I found myself feeling pretty desolate at the end knowing I'd be coming home to Japan and not to America. I felt overdue for the comforts of home--the familial bonding, the sisterly affection, the home-cooked meals. It was as though I'd deprived myself by not making the trip home.
Thankfully, just when I was about to cave into total and utter depression in the bleak Japanese winter, I was reminded that Japan is also my home, also a place where I can be happy. Meeting with friends over the weekend who I hadn't seen in some time was great. They let me unload my stresses and distresses, and they shared theirs with me. We went out and saw cool "Japan-only" kind of sites, discovered cool new corners of Osaka, ate delicious food, and danced the rest of the night out. This weekend was the first time in a while I enjoyed being where I was, and not wishing so hard that I was home. Finally, in the cold and dreary, I was reminded how enjoyable being at home here in Japan can be, how to get warm again inside and out.
Then, of course, I felt so good it was time to take the plunge, let my bank account take a hit and buy myself the MacBook Pro of my dreams. And yes, it's just as good as I could have hoped. Finding the PC and my new baby can talk to each other was another delightful surprise. Transferring will still take a while, but I'm actually enjoying the process so far, as opposed to the dread that kept me from buying the Mac for so long.
With the big mid-year conference in Kobe coming up (aka - everyone come to Kobe and party!), things are starting to really feel like they're supposed to. I can try to stop counting down the time til I leave Japan and remember how to enjoy it.
Figuring out what to do AFTER Japan...that's where the stress is gonna be, hehe. But one thing at a time.
When I decided not to go home for the winter break, I thought I would be fine. Thailand seemed like it would be a fun escape from winter blues, laying out on sunny beaches with a bikini and a good book. I really underestimated my need at a depressing time to make contact with family, to feel home turf beneath my feet. Rainy days at the beach certainly didn't help. As much as I wanted to have fun in Thailand, and as much as I did enjoy most of the trip, I found myself feeling pretty desolate at the end knowing I'd be coming home to Japan and not to America. I felt overdue for the comforts of home--the familial bonding, the sisterly affection, the home-cooked meals. It was as though I'd deprived myself by not making the trip home.
Thankfully, just when I was about to cave into total and utter depression in the bleak Japanese winter, I was reminded that Japan is also my home, also a place where I can be happy. Meeting with friends over the weekend who I hadn't seen in some time was great. They let me unload my stresses and distresses, and they shared theirs with me. We went out and saw cool "Japan-only" kind of sites, discovered cool new corners of Osaka, ate delicious food, and danced the rest of the night out. This weekend was the first time in a while I enjoyed being where I was, and not wishing so hard that I was home. Finally, in the cold and dreary, I was reminded how enjoyable being at home here in Japan can be, how to get warm again inside and out.
Then, of course, I felt so good it was time to take the plunge, let my bank account take a hit and buy myself the MacBook Pro of my dreams. And yes, it's just as good as I could have hoped. Finding the PC and my new baby can talk to each other was another delightful surprise. Transferring will still take a while, but I'm actually enjoying the process so far, as opposed to the dread that kept me from buying the Mac for so long.
With the big mid-year conference in Kobe coming up (aka - everyone come to Kobe and party!), things are starting to really feel like they're supposed to. I can try to stop counting down the time til I leave Japan and remember how to enjoy it.
Figuring out what to do AFTER Japan...that's where the stress is gonna be, hehe. But one thing at a time.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Best of...movies
Next up, movies. One of the things that's tough about living in Japan is that it's much harder to see movies. The movies that come out in Japanese theaters are mostly the big-budget blockbusters, and while more things come out on DVD, it takes MUCH longer. Unless it's in English, I can't rent foreign films because they will only come with Japanese subtitles--this knocks out movies from both Europe and the rest of Asia. Downloading them is really one of your only options, and having little room left on my current lappy and external HD make me slow to do this.
Call me old fashioned, but I do actually prefer to see a film on the big screen the first time too. I went to the theater more times this year though than in any other year living in Japan...7 times. Of those seven films, the only two good ones were the superhero flicks, The Dark Knight and Ironman. And Tropic Thunder was enjoyable, though pretty far from what I'd call "great cinema".
My expectations of awesome for The Dark Knight were more than fulfilled by Chris Nolan, and it was very close to the best film of the year. Ledger is an unparalleled chaotic Joker, and even though it's a bit rushed, the Harvey Dent/Two Face character is still treated quite well in my opinion. Bale's Batman is as good as before, with more turmoil emerging as he faces his arch nemesis as well as his own future. A dark, twisted, beautiful masterpiece.
That said, the one film I'd say impressed me the most this year, filled me with the most joy, and had got the strongest reaction from me this year was not one I saw in the theaters. The reason I didn't see it in theaters, even though it was here, was because it was only playing dubbed here, and I cannot abide dubbing, no matter what original language it starts in. That film was WALL-E.
WALL-E is a brilliant film for so many reasons. First of all, let's look at it thematically. What's the film about? The answer is two-fold. One could say WALL-E is about:
A) A sole robot who, by digging through the waste and desolation humankind has left on an uninhabitable planet, develops a sentience and personality. Then, more importantly, in this refuse he discovers the greatest, most beautiful thing humanity has to offer--love. He then proceeds to find the remainder of the human species, who have become more robotic than WALL-E, unfeeling and unobservant of their surroundings. WALL-E not only brings humans back to the planet earth, but brings humanity, and above all things love, back to the people he meets. A pretty brilliant concept for a kids film.
B) The whole movie is about a robot who wants to hold hands. As far as I am concerned, that's pretty wonderful, too.
Besides being amazing thematically, the film is also stunning to look at. WALL-E may look like a cuter version of Number 5 from Short Circuit, but that's really just about the cutest robot you can find to start from. And it works on me every time. Looking at WALL-E is like looking at those pictures of baby animals in shoes--the dopamine receptors go off the handle. Adorable. Earth's deserted, garbage-ridden cities look incredibly realistic, and there are no words to describe how gorgeous space is in this film (see: outer space dance sequence. damn). The music and sound design are up to par with the visual aspects...WALL-E only says 3 words in the entire film, and yet for a robot who was built with no intention of speech, that's pretty great. The sound designers make it sounds just the way it should.
Maybe I'm just a sucker for cute robots, but I know a lot of people (yes, adult men) who would concur that WALL-E is an amazing film. And even some who would agree with me that it was the best film of 2008.
So there you have it.
Call me old fashioned, but I do actually prefer to see a film on the big screen the first time too. I went to the theater more times this year though than in any other year living in Japan...7 times. Of those seven films, the only two good ones were the superhero flicks, The Dark Knight and Ironman. And Tropic Thunder was enjoyable, though pretty far from what I'd call "great cinema".
My expectations of awesome for The Dark Knight were more than fulfilled by Chris Nolan, and it was very close to the best film of the year. Ledger is an unparalleled chaotic Joker, and even though it's a bit rushed, the Harvey Dent/Two Face character is still treated quite well in my opinion. Bale's Batman is as good as before, with more turmoil emerging as he faces his arch nemesis as well as his own future. A dark, twisted, beautiful masterpiece.
That said, the one film I'd say impressed me the most this year, filled me with the most joy, and had got the strongest reaction from me this year was not one I saw in the theaters. The reason I didn't see it in theaters, even though it was here, was because it was only playing dubbed here, and I cannot abide dubbing, no matter what original language it starts in. That film was WALL-E.
WALL-E is a brilliant film for so many reasons. First of all, let's look at it thematically. What's the film about? The answer is two-fold. One could say WALL-E is about:
A) A sole robot who, by digging through the waste and desolation humankind has left on an uninhabitable planet, develops a sentience and personality. Then, more importantly, in this refuse he discovers the greatest, most beautiful thing humanity has to offer--love. He then proceeds to find the remainder of the human species, who have become more robotic than WALL-E, unfeeling and unobservant of their surroundings. WALL-E not only brings humans back to the planet earth, but brings humanity, and above all things love, back to the people he meets. A pretty brilliant concept for a kids film.
B) The whole movie is about a robot who wants to hold hands. As far as I am concerned, that's pretty wonderful, too.
Besides being amazing thematically, the film is also stunning to look at. WALL-E may look like a cuter version of Number 5 from Short Circuit, but that's really just about the cutest robot you can find to start from. And it works on me every time. Looking at WALL-E is like looking at those pictures of baby animals in shoes--the dopamine receptors go off the handle. Adorable. Earth's deserted, garbage-ridden cities look incredibly realistic, and there are no words to describe how gorgeous space is in this film (see: outer space dance sequence. damn). The music and sound design are up to par with the visual aspects...WALL-E only says 3 words in the entire film, and yet for a robot who was built with no intention of speech, that's pretty great. The sound designers make it sounds just the way it should.
Maybe I'm just a sucker for cute robots, but I know a lot of people (yes, adult men) who would concur that WALL-E is an amazing film. And even some who would agree with me that it was the best film of 2008.
So there you have it.
Best of...musics
I'm not gonna lie, 2008 was a hard year for me, especially in the final count-down months. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to say "so long" to a year. This was not only a tough year for me (and a lot of my good friends), but a slim year in terms of music. Top ten lists all over the place have been sparse on praise, and many contain the same records, as stand-outs were hard to come by. Still, I was asked several times what I'd call the best recent music, and here's what I'd answer.
1. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Easily the most beautiful, intricate and delicate album of the year. Often I will put on new music while doing other things around the house, but if the music is good enough, it will make me stop what I'm doing and sit down just to listen to it. This is the only album this year that got that reaction. If you don't fall "Skinny Love" and , then you've probably never loved and lost. Hauntingly beautiful.
2. Sigur Ros - Med Sud í eyrum vi> spilum endalaust
No, I can't pronounce the name of this album. Regardless, it's definitely Sigur Ros's tightest, most "accessible" album. It's not only stunning to listen to, but I was stunned to see it has 7 tracks under 5 minutes in length...is this really Sigur Ros? Yes, and damn is it good.
3. The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Grave
Embarrassingly, I'd somehow reversed the name of this band and the album title for the better part of the year. Still, you'd never heard of it so you couldn't correct me, now could ya? Storied, painterly lyrics sung by a man whose voice sounds a little like Kermit the Frog does make this one something people with a taste for the poetic will like better than those going straight for the sound of the singer, but it's undoubtedly the album whose lyrics I've quoted the most in the year. I'm trying think of just one line to give as an example, and they are all too lovely to choose simply one. Just go and listen to it, and hopefully you'll find what I did.
4. Of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping
This album doesn't have the consistency of "Hissing Fauna", and yeah, there are a few tracks I downright can't stand to listen to. Still, I think it's far better than the critical reviews would make you think. The songs I do like have both irresistibly catchy music and bitingly witty lyrics, albeit some you wouldn't repeat in polite company. I couldn't stop listening to this one for quite some time, and I think it's worth a good listen to at least find the tracks you like.
5. TV on the Radio - Dear Science
When I first heard the opening track to this album, I thought it was going to be just another "Return to Cookie Mountain". I was very skeptical of all the praise I heard it receiving. Giving it a full listen though, I was happily surprised to find it was actually MUCH BETTER than their previous record. More great lyrics with music that changes styles and moves away from the steady drone found on previous records. As much as I hate to jump on the bandwagon, it's definitely one of the best of the year.
6. Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Lie Down in the Light
After the "Ask Forgiveness" EP, I was really worried about BPB's next album. I luckily had my fears allayed by a beautiful album. Songs that have the acoustic charm and sweet lyric that made me fall for Will Oldham in the first place, rather than the over-wrought, over-reaching sound he'd had in other recent works. More of what he does best makes me very happy.
7. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
Somehow, I'd missed the boat on MMJ. I really didn't know much of their stuff before coming to this album, which I'm led to believe is a good way to approach it. People claim their other work has been better, but with songs like "I'm Amazed" and "Touch Me I'm Going To Scream", I don't know why people would be turning away from them now. Thoroughly enjoyable, wonderful music for a sunny day drive or run.
8. Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound
I came upon this album very late in the year, but once I found it I also found I couldn't stop listening to it. Charming and simple, with well crafted lyric. I am sure this is where someone raises the "indie folkster" flag on me, but I can't help it sometimes. If you want to make a nice indie folk record without necessarily rocking any boats, this is the way it sounds. And that happens to be music to my ears.
9. Blitzen Trapper - Furr
Raise the indie flags again, here's another one just the indie kids are gonna be picking. That said, I'm hard pressed to find a single song on here I don't like (okay, I lied..."Love U" is so-so). A nice upbeat, twangy little album, it catches fire in your brain quickly, and your foot will tap along without thinking. I'd be surprised if you didn't feel the same about it upon listening. The title track in particular was on repeat in my head for quite sometime.
10. The Notwist - The Devil, You + Me
It's no "Neon Golden", and while that was a big letdown at first, this album steadily grew on me. Their first album in something like 6 years, it tries a little too hard in spots, but in others hits just the right soft notes. It doesn't have the lyrical intricacy that made "Neon Golden" so great, but "We know we're not the smartest/in this place we don't have to be" is kind of the truth of it stated in the title track. Still worth repeated listening to break in like a comfy chair.
Next up, movies...
1. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Easily the most beautiful, intricate and delicate album of the year. Often I will put on new music while doing other things around the house, but if the music is good enough, it will make me stop what I'm doing and sit down just to listen to it. This is the only album this year that got that reaction. If you don't fall "Skinny Love" and , then you've probably never loved and lost. Hauntingly beautiful.
2. Sigur Ros - Med Sud í eyrum vi> spilum endalaust
No, I can't pronounce the name of this album. Regardless, it's definitely Sigur Ros's tightest, most "accessible" album. It's not only stunning to listen to, but I was stunned to see it has 7 tracks under 5 minutes in length...is this really Sigur Ros? Yes, and damn is it good.
3. The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Grave
Embarrassingly, I'd somehow reversed the name of this band and the album title for the better part of the year. Still, you'd never heard of it so you couldn't correct me, now could ya? Storied, painterly lyrics sung by a man whose voice sounds a little like Kermit the Frog does make this one something people with a taste for the poetic will like better than those going straight for the sound of the singer, but it's undoubtedly the album whose lyrics I've quoted the most in the year. I'm trying think of just one line to give as an example, and they are all too lovely to choose simply one. Just go and listen to it, and hopefully you'll find what I did.
4. Of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping
This album doesn't have the consistency of "Hissing Fauna", and yeah, there are a few tracks I downright can't stand to listen to. Still, I think it's far better than the critical reviews would make you think. The songs I do like have both irresistibly catchy music and bitingly witty lyrics, albeit some you wouldn't repeat in polite company. I couldn't stop listening to this one for quite some time, and I think it's worth a good listen to at least find the tracks you like.
5. TV on the Radio - Dear Science
When I first heard the opening track to this album, I thought it was going to be just another "Return to Cookie Mountain". I was very skeptical of all the praise I heard it receiving. Giving it a full listen though, I was happily surprised to find it was actually MUCH BETTER than their previous record. More great lyrics with music that changes styles and moves away from the steady drone found on previous records. As much as I hate to jump on the bandwagon, it's definitely one of the best of the year.
6. Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Lie Down in the Light
After the "Ask Forgiveness" EP, I was really worried about BPB's next album. I luckily had my fears allayed by a beautiful album. Songs that have the acoustic charm and sweet lyric that made me fall for Will Oldham in the first place, rather than the over-wrought, over-reaching sound he'd had in other recent works. More of what he does best makes me very happy.
7. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
Somehow, I'd missed the boat on MMJ. I really didn't know much of their stuff before coming to this album, which I'm led to believe is a good way to approach it. People claim their other work has been better, but with songs like "I'm Amazed" and "Touch Me I'm Going To Scream", I don't know why people would be turning away from them now. Thoroughly enjoyable, wonderful music for a sunny day drive or run.
8. Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound
I came upon this album very late in the year, but once I found it I also found I couldn't stop listening to it. Charming and simple, with well crafted lyric. I am sure this is where someone raises the "indie folkster" flag on me, but I can't help it sometimes. If you want to make a nice indie folk record without necessarily rocking any boats, this is the way it sounds. And that happens to be music to my ears.
9. Blitzen Trapper - Furr
Raise the indie flags again, here's another one just the indie kids are gonna be picking. That said, I'm hard pressed to find a single song on here I don't like (okay, I lied..."Love U" is so-so). A nice upbeat, twangy little album, it catches fire in your brain quickly, and your foot will tap along without thinking. I'd be surprised if you didn't feel the same about it upon listening. The title track in particular was on repeat in my head for quite sometime.
10. The Notwist - The Devil, You + Me
It's no "Neon Golden", and while that was a big letdown at first, this album steadily grew on me. Their first album in something like 6 years, it tries a little too hard in spots, but in others hits just the right soft notes. It doesn't have the lyrical intricacy that made "Neon Golden" so great, but "We know we're not the smartest/in this place we don't have to be" is kind of the truth of it stated in the title track. Still worth repeated listening to break in like a comfy chair.
Next up, movies...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
我慢できない (I can't take it!)
I once read a little book based on the premise "You know you've been in Japan too long when...", with a variety of funny-cuz-it's-true answers. I remember one of them being "...when you say '仕方がない' (it can't be helped) all the time. To things you would never stand for in your home country."
And it's true. One of the things the Japanese do best is tolerate, to grin and bear it, to an extent that's almost ridiculous. They work long hours, but it can't be helped. They freeze in their un-insulated, unheated homes and offices in winter, but it can't be helped. They don't take their earned vacation time, but it can't be helped. There government is weak and their economy is tanking, but it can't be helped. Whatever it is you have to bitch about, legitimate or not, you just have to remember it can't be helped, and you might as well just get on with it.
I know I've been in Japan too long because I can't stand that it's true anymore.
That's a strong statement from me, as I have been a strong supporter of 我慢 (gaman, or tolerating) things my whole life. I know sometimes things are unfair, especially with work, and I've always just done my best to put up with it. Where my friends and co-workers would get angry and try to fight, I accepted and rolled with the punches. Sure I'd complain, but that was enough release for me. I could take whatever was dished out at me.
When I first came to Japan, I gladly took this approach toward living and working here. I had to remember that their ideas and ways of doing things were different, and I tried to accept them. I ate everything in the disgusting school lunch. I shivered away at my desk in winter. I went to the meetings and work events I had no part or interest in. When my other foreign colleagues complained, I tried to tell them 仕方がない.
After two and a half years though, I've pulled a Howard Beale. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!" I'm sick and tired of disgusting, cold school soup and I'm not eating it again. After two years of kabayaki fish, I can't stand to eat another bite and I won't. I don't want to sit through pointless meetings, so when the clock hits 4:30 and they're still blathering on, I'm just gonna go home. I will not let bad kids and bad teachers do something wrong without my making a point of being upset with them. I will not simply sit at my desk and freeze when I can put my scarf and jacket on to keep warm, I don't care if the rest of you want to shiver in your normal clothes. I will not go to the bathroom every time I have to fucking blow my nose. When the board of education asks ME to do the work they ought to do for my non-Japanese speaking co-worker, I'm gonna suck air through my teeth til they get the picture.
I know I can't change the Japanese system. But I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my time here. I will take the things I can take, and those that I can't...well, 我慢できfuckingない。
And it's true. One of the things the Japanese do best is tolerate, to grin and bear it, to an extent that's almost ridiculous. They work long hours, but it can't be helped. They freeze in their un-insulated, unheated homes and offices in winter, but it can't be helped. They don't take their earned vacation time, but it can't be helped. There government is weak and their economy is tanking, but it can't be helped. Whatever it is you have to bitch about, legitimate or not, you just have to remember it can't be helped, and you might as well just get on with it.
I know I've been in Japan too long because I can't stand that it's true anymore.
That's a strong statement from me, as I have been a strong supporter of 我慢 (gaman, or tolerating) things my whole life. I know sometimes things are unfair, especially with work, and I've always just done my best to put up with it. Where my friends and co-workers would get angry and try to fight, I accepted and rolled with the punches. Sure I'd complain, but that was enough release for me. I could take whatever was dished out at me.
When I first came to Japan, I gladly took this approach toward living and working here. I had to remember that their ideas and ways of doing things were different, and I tried to accept them. I ate everything in the disgusting school lunch. I shivered away at my desk in winter. I went to the meetings and work events I had no part or interest in. When my other foreign colleagues complained, I tried to tell them 仕方がない.
After two and a half years though, I've pulled a Howard Beale. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!" I'm sick and tired of disgusting, cold school soup and I'm not eating it again. After two years of kabayaki fish, I can't stand to eat another bite and I won't. I don't want to sit through pointless meetings, so when the clock hits 4:30 and they're still blathering on, I'm just gonna go home. I will not let bad kids and bad teachers do something wrong without my making a point of being upset with them. I will not simply sit at my desk and freeze when I can put my scarf and jacket on to keep warm, I don't care if the rest of you want to shiver in your normal clothes. I will not go to the bathroom every time I have to fucking blow my nose. When the board of education asks ME to do the work they ought to do for my non-Japanese speaking co-worker, I'm gonna suck air through my teeth til they get the picture.
I know I can't change the Japanese system. But I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my time here. I will take the things I can take, and those that I can't...well, 我慢できfuckingない。
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
flux (long and wandering post)
i feel very strange these days. i waver between a kind of bouying joy and a slow, sinking sadness. sometimes i'm fine with it, other times it pulls me into a panic.
i see myself growing distant from japan. i've more or less given up on really studying japanese at this point. i haven't had a lesson in over 4 months. i don't feel the need to improve my very basic ability, though i have seen that ability decrease as i use it less and less. and i can see myself going home and losing it entirely, even after all those years, because unless i get a job teaching japanese or working for the japanese embassy, there's no practical usage for it. the thought of continuing to study japan or work in japan has lost almost all its appeal having done it for the last two years and going into a third. and those years feel more and more wasted as i look at going home next august. currently, i want to go home and start taking art courses, design courses. and i'm kicking myself pretty hard emotionally over it.
i remember in college, art teachers telling me i should be an art major. japanese teachers telling me i should be an art major. and i remember being angry at them, frustrated that they didn't see in me what i wanted to see. i wanted to study japanese even though it was hard, even though i didn't do well at it. i thought i was challenging myself. now i'm wondering if i wasn't just being stubborn and stupid. if i struggled against my natural abilities pointlessly.
that said, i look at my life here some days and feel good, feel strong, feel complete. I have the ability to function in a society totally not my own, and while i'll never fit in entirely, i am clearly not a stranger. i am good at my job, and i enjoy it. seeing my kids actually improve, and more importantly, open up to me, has been wonderful. thinking that way, i wouldn't trade these years for the world. i look out of my window, over my own little slice of japan, and i see it as being perfect, created and alligned for my very needs. i have made friends for life here, the friends i probably should have made in college but never did. i have both japanese friends and foreign friends, friends from all over the world. people i care deeply about i would never have met any other way.
oddly enough, it's the perspective of some of these close friends that has made me feel caught in a strange place.
Part 1: The Newbie and The Veteran
the newbie came to japan with no real concept of the culture or grasp on the language. like many americans, she came with the intent to stay one year, just to experience a different culture. and she's experiencing it like a dump-truck unloading on her head. she doesn't understand why the japanese people she meets do certain things, and my explaining that they are simply doing things "the japanese way" doesn't help it make any more sense to her. and she's not wrong in feeling that way--a lot of the time, it doesn't make a lot of logical sense, even if you understand the intentions or traditions behind it. she vents to me about her frustrations, and i do my best to try and both emphatize and explain how to cope. she doesn't need help remembering the good things, those she can experience first hand and process just fine. she does need me to try and help in the hard times though, and therefore i see japan through her eyes as difficult and incomprehensible. it can remind me just how absurd some things are compared to the american way of life. and it does make me miss home in a way i didn't used to.
the veteran arrived in japan the exact same day as me, nearly two and a half years ago. he came with plenty of japanese experience and an ample grip of the language, like myself. while our experiences with work have been different due to our locations, we both have been here long enough to have the same fundamental frustrations and difficulties with living and working in japan. unlike the newbie, he understands why the japanese are the way they are...but that understanding also proves that there are some things that are simply ridiculous about the culture. when we get upset with work or life here, we can turn to each other for total understanding of mutual aggrivation. the difference between us though is that he's about to go back to america, about to go home. and as we fall into the cold and dreary japanese winter, i see both his fatigue with japan and his lust for homesoil growing. i can't help in sharing the feeling sometimes...but he has a month left where i have eight to go. looking at things from his perspective makes me feel tired, and makes the months ahead feel like drudgery. knowing he won't be around to help me cope any more doesn't help either.
then there are the friends that remind me of the opposite side of the spectrum.
Part 2: The Visitor and The Lifer
the visitor is not just one person, though this was embodied recently by an old friend from home. he came as part of a trip around the world, and unlike many other people on his voyage, he came to me in order to experience authentic japan. while he was only here for 5 days, his impressions reminded me of the things i take for granted in japan every day. the fact he didn't need to worry about having his wallet stolen, that he could breathe the air and drink the water, that he could eat delicious and healthy foods, that he could feel safe at night out in the big cities...these are things a visitor sees as wonderful but which, until seeing it through his eyes, i had forgotten to be grateful for. he stayed at my house and came to my work. when he saw these things, he commented that he'd stay here for three years if he were me too. while it was never my intention to stay that long, his admiration of it reminded me why i made that decision. every time i'm about to forget that, another visitor comes along to remind me. my father's pure, unfettered admiration during his visit was another amazing boost to my self-esteem and pride in understanding and thriving in a foreign land. visitors make me feel lucky to have had such a wonderful opportunity here, and to appreciate it for what it is--a great life experience.
the lifer is another type that reminds me how good i truly have it. these are the people who have come and have stayed. the ones who instead of going home have made japan their home. they have plenty of good reasons. we are paid well and respected as teachers. while we may never truly fit in, there are times when being foreign gives us the advantage, or puts us above critisism or reproach. going back is just as stressful as staying, or maybe even more so, as one must almost start from scratch when returning to your home country. sure there are hard times, but you'll find those anywhere, and staying in a comfortable life in japan makes perfect sense. you get used to the craziness the way you forget about the craziness of america at times. while i know i'm not a lifer myself, it reminds me that 3 years really isn't so bad. maybe i will end up missing it and coming back someday. after 3 years, i'm more than qualified for almost any teaching position in the country, something that can't be said for america. if going home does turn out terrifyingly bad, i can always come back...
in the end, i know i should just enjoy the time i have left here. i should use it to figure out my plans for the future and reap the benefits of my japanese life. and i AM trying. some days it's just harder to remember it than others.
i see myself growing distant from japan. i've more or less given up on really studying japanese at this point. i haven't had a lesson in over 4 months. i don't feel the need to improve my very basic ability, though i have seen that ability decrease as i use it less and less. and i can see myself going home and losing it entirely, even after all those years, because unless i get a job teaching japanese or working for the japanese embassy, there's no practical usage for it. the thought of continuing to study japan or work in japan has lost almost all its appeal having done it for the last two years and going into a third. and those years feel more and more wasted as i look at going home next august. currently, i want to go home and start taking art courses, design courses. and i'm kicking myself pretty hard emotionally over it.
i remember in college, art teachers telling me i should be an art major. japanese teachers telling me i should be an art major. and i remember being angry at them, frustrated that they didn't see in me what i wanted to see. i wanted to study japanese even though it was hard, even though i didn't do well at it. i thought i was challenging myself. now i'm wondering if i wasn't just being stubborn and stupid. if i struggled against my natural abilities pointlessly.
that said, i look at my life here some days and feel good, feel strong, feel complete. I have the ability to function in a society totally not my own, and while i'll never fit in entirely, i am clearly not a stranger. i am good at my job, and i enjoy it. seeing my kids actually improve, and more importantly, open up to me, has been wonderful. thinking that way, i wouldn't trade these years for the world. i look out of my window, over my own little slice of japan, and i see it as being perfect, created and alligned for my very needs. i have made friends for life here, the friends i probably should have made in college but never did. i have both japanese friends and foreign friends, friends from all over the world. people i care deeply about i would never have met any other way.
oddly enough, it's the perspective of some of these close friends that has made me feel caught in a strange place.
Part 1: The Newbie and The Veteran
the newbie came to japan with no real concept of the culture or grasp on the language. like many americans, she came with the intent to stay one year, just to experience a different culture. and she's experiencing it like a dump-truck unloading on her head. she doesn't understand why the japanese people she meets do certain things, and my explaining that they are simply doing things "the japanese way" doesn't help it make any more sense to her. and she's not wrong in feeling that way--a lot of the time, it doesn't make a lot of logical sense, even if you understand the intentions or traditions behind it. she vents to me about her frustrations, and i do my best to try and both emphatize and explain how to cope. she doesn't need help remembering the good things, those she can experience first hand and process just fine. she does need me to try and help in the hard times though, and therefore i see japan through her eyes as difficult and incomprehensible. it can remind me just how absurd some things are compared to the american way of life. and it does make me miss home in a way i didn't used to.
the veteran arrived in japan the exact same day as me, nearly two and a half years ago. he came with plenty of japanese experience and an ample grip of the language, like myself. while our experiences with work have been different due to our locations, we both have been here long enough to have the same fundamental frustrations and difficulties with living and working in japan. unlike the newbie, he understands why the japanese are the way they are...but that understanding also proves that there are some things that are simply ridiculous about the culture. when we get upset with work or life here, we can turn to each other for total understanding of mutual aggrivation. the difference between us though is that he's about to go back to america, about to go home. and as we fall into the cold and dreary japanese winter, i see both his fatigue with japan and his lust for homesoil growing. i can't help in sharing the feeling sometimes...but he has a month left where i have eight to go. looking at things from his perspective makes me feel tired, and makes the months ahead feel like drudgery. knowing he won't be around to help me cope any more doesn't help either.
then there are the friends that remind me of the opposite side of the spectrum.
Part 2: The Visitor and The Lifer
the visitor is not just one person, though this was embodied recently by an old friend from home. he came as part of a trip around the world, and unlike many other people on his voyage, he came to me in order to experience authentic japan. while he was only here for 5 days, his impressions reminded me of the things i take for granted in japan every day. the fact he didn't need to worry about having his wallet stolen, that he could breathe the air and drink the water, that he could eat delicious and healthy foods, that he could feel safe at night out in the big cities...these are things a visitor sees as wonderful but which, until seeing it through his eyes, i had forgotten to be grateful for. he stayed at my house and came to my work. when he saw these things, he commented that he'd stay here for three years if he were me too. while it was never my intention to stay that long, his admiration of it reminded me why i made that decision. every time i'm about to forget that, another visitor comes along to remind me. my father's pure, unfettered admiration during his visit was another amazing boost to my self-esteem and pride in understanding and thriving in a foreign land. visitors make me feel lucky to have had such a wonderful opportunity here, and to appreciate it for what it is--a great life experience.
the lifer is another type that reminds me how good i truly have it. these are the people who have come and have stayed. the ones who instead of going home have made japan their home. they have plenty of good reasons. we are paid well and respected as teachers. while we may never truly fit in, there are times when being foreign gives us the advantage, or puts us above critisism or reproach. going back is just as stressful as staying, or maybe even more so, as one must almost start from scratch when returning to your home country. sure there are hard times, but you'll find those anywhere, and staying in a comfortable life in japan makes perfect sense. you get used to the craziness the way you forget about the craziness of america at times. while i know i'm not a lifer myself, it reminds me that 3 years really isn't so bad. maybe i will end up missing it and coming back someday. after 3 years, i'm more than qualified for almost any teaching position in the country, something that can't be said for america. if going home does turn out terrifyingly bad, i can always come back...
in the end, i know i should just enjoy the time i have left here. i should use it to figure out my plans for the future and reap the benefits of my japanese life. and i AM trying. some days it's just harder to remember it than others.
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