flux (long and wandering post)

i feel very strange these days. i waver between a kind of bouying joy and a slow, sinking sadness. sometimes i'm fine with it, other times it pulls me into a panic.

i see myself growing distant from japan. i've more or less given up on really studying japanese at this point. i haven't had a lesson in over 4 months. i don't feel the need to improve my very basic ability, though i have seen that ability decrease as i use it less and less. and i can see myself going home and losing it entirely, even after all those years, because unless i get a job teaching japanese or working for the japanese embassy, there's no practical usage for it. the thought of continuing to study japan or work in japan has lost almost all its appeal having done it for the last two years and going into a third. and those years feel more and more wasted as i look at going home next august. currently, i want to go home and start taking art courses, design courses. and i'm kicking myself pretty hard emotionally over it.

i remember in college, art teachers telling me i should be an art major. japanese teachers telling me i should be an art major. and i remember being angry at them, frustrated that they didn't see in me what i wanted to see. i wanted to study japanese even though it was hard, even though i didn't do well at it. i thought i was challenging myself. now i'm wondering if i wasn't just being stubborn and stupid. if i struggled against my natural abilities pointlessly.

that said, i look at my life here some days and feel good, feel strong, feel complete. I have the ability to function in a society totally not my own, and while i'll never fit in entirely, i am clearly not a stranger. i am good at my job, and i enjoy it. seeing my kids actually improve, and more importantly, open up to me, has been wonderful. thinking that way, i wouldn't trade these years for the world. i look out of my window, over my own little slice of japan, and i see it as being perfect, created and alligned for my very needs. i have made friends for life here, the friends i probably should have made in college but never did. i have both japanese friends and foreign friends, friends from all over the world. people i care deeply about i would never have met any other way.

oddly enough, it's the perspective of some of these close friends that has made me feel caught in a strange place.

Part 1: The Newbie and The Veteran

the newbie came to japan with no real concept of the culture or grasp on the language. like many americans, she came with the intent to stay one year, just to experience a different culture. and she's experiencing it like a dump-truck unloading on her head. she doesn't understand why the japanese people she meets do certain things, and my explaining that they are simply doing things "the japanese way" doesn't help it make any more sense to her. and she's not wrong in feeling that way--a lot of the time, it doesn't make a lot of logical sense, even if you understand the intentions or traditions behind it. she vents to me about her frustrations, and i do my best to try and both emphatize and explain how to cope. she doesn't need help remembering the good things, those she can experience first hand and process just fine. she does need me to try and help in the hard times though, and therefore i see japan through her eyes as difficult and incomprehensible. it can remind me just how absurd some things are compared to the american way of life. and it does make me miss home in a way i didn't used to.

the veteran arrived in japan the exact same day as me, nearly two and a half years ago. he came with plenty of japanese experience and an ample grip of the language, like myself. while our experiences with work have been different due to our locations, we both have been here long enough to have the same fundamental frustrations and difficulties with living and working in japan. unlike the newbie, he understands why the japanese are the way they are...but that understanding also proves that there are some things that are simply ridiculous about the culture. when we get upset with work or life here, we can turn to each other for total understanding of mutual aggrivation. the difference between us though is that he's about to go back to america, about to go home. and as we fall into the cold and dreary japanese winter, i see both his fatigue with japan and his lust for homesoil growing. i can't help in sharing the feeling sometimes...but he has a month left where i have eight to go. looking at things from his perspective makes me feel tired, and makes the months ahead feel like drudgery. knowing he won't be around to help me cope any more doesn't help either.

then there are the friends that remind me of the opposite side of the spectrum.

Part 2: The Visitor and The Lifer
the visitor is not just one person, though this was embodied recently by an old friend from home. he came as part of a trip around the world, and unlike many other people on his voyage, he came to me in order to experience authentic japan. while he was only here for 5 days, his impressions reminded me of the things i take for granted in japan every day. the fact he didn't need to worry about having his wallet stolen, that he could breathe the air and drink the water, that he could eat delicious and healthy foods, that he could feel safe at night out in the big cities...these are things a visitor sees as wonderful but which, until seeing it through his eyes, i had forgotten to be grateful for. he stayed at my house and came to my work. when he saw these things, he commented that he'd stay here for three years if he were me too. while it was never my intention to stay that long, his admiration of it reminded me why i made that decision. every time i'm about to forget that, another visitor comes along to remind me. my father's pure, unfettered admiration during his visit was another amazing boost to my self-esteem and pride in understanding and thriving in a foreign land. visitors make me feel lucky to have had such a wonderful opportunity here, and to appreciate it for what it is--a great life experience.

the lifer is another type that reminds me how good i truly have it. these are the people who have come and have stayed. the ones who instead of going home have made japan their home. they have plenty of good reasons. we are paid well and respected as teachers. while we may never truly fit in, there are times when being foreign gives us the advantage, or puts us above critisism or reproach. going back is just as stressful as staying, or maybe even more so, as one must almost start from scratch when returning to your home country. sure there are hard times, but you'll find those anywhere, and staying in a comfortable life in japan makes perfect sense. you get used to the craziness the way you forget about the craziness of america at times. while i know i'm not a lifer myself, it reminds me that 3 years really isn't so bad. maybe i will end up missing it and coming back someday. after 3 years, i'm more than qualified for almost any teaching position in the country, something that can't be said for america. if going home does turn out terrifyingly bad, i can always come back...

in the end, i know i should just enjoy the time i have left here. i should use it to figure out my plans for the future and reap the benefits of my japanese life. and i AM trying. some days it's just harder to remember it than others.

Heard 'round the world

So everyone's talking about the election and our president-elect, and for good reason. the wave of intense emotional uprising, the swelling of spirits, can be felt all the way across the ocean and over to me even here in Japan.

What strikes me most about this "historic election" isn't the obvious first African-American president, though it is a milestone of note. Black alone does not a great president make. obviously there are going to be more hurdles for this new president to overcome, more than most people taking office. and that "historic" significance will surely be an added weight on his shoulders.

What really gets to me though is that for the first time in my life, I see people EXCITED about their chosen leader. People who didn't feel like they were checking a box for the less of two evils, but who really took joy in saying "Yes, this is the man we WANT," rather than "this is the one we can stand". Voting turnout hasn't been higher since the 1960's, if the numbers I've seen are to be believed. People came out in droves to do their part, and it shows. For once, people WANTED to vote, because they WANT TO BELIEVE.

I remember voting in the Bush/Gore election, and even when I'd heard Gore had won (despite the later turn-abouts we're all far too familiar with), the feeling was one of relief rather than joy. But even me, sitting at my computer desk in my Japanese Jr. High school staff room, stood up, raised my arms in the air and cheered when Obama hit that magic 270. I announced to the staff room in Japanese "Obama's won! Obama is the next president!" Even my Japanese co-workers, who usually look at me funny when I try to share news from home, smiled and shared a little of the celebratory air with me. The students came in shortly after for cleaning time and asked me if it was true, they'd heard from the teachers that I'd said it to them. I told them it was true, and even they seemed happy. Thirteen year old Japanese kids who don't probably have any concept of American politics, and wouldn't care to if I asked them. The infectious nature of this happiness is another one of the wonderful effects this election has had.

In time, the ecstasy will fade, and the taxing work of fixing a very broken nation will wear on both our president and its citizens. But it's nice to see that people's spirits actually CAN be lifted from the normal, indifferent rubble of every day life.

When they say "we did it", that's what we truly did.